One thing about my life is I don't want to be alone. Ever.

I know that we all have a day when we take our last

breathe. That part does not scare me. It really does not thrill me

either. It feels so out of my control. I don't want to hand

over the reigns to God and say "OK, it's out of my hands,

do your will." My human spirit resists always asking for more. I always read ahead in a book.

I actually read parts of the last chapter just so I know what's coming.

I love to watch a movie with someone who knows the ending.I'm able to tap into the unknown and get information to know how to feel and react. I can't stand surprises. To open a gift and not have a clue what is in the wrapping is a torment. Was my life so unpredictable that I have somehow needed to control every little part of it that I get bent out of shape not knowing the future. Who the heck knows the future?? What makes me so special that I should get a glimpse of that? I've been married for 12 years. Did I want all the answers right from the beginning? Did I need to micro manage my family right from the start? Am I black and white or full of gray?

John has an aneurysm. It's real. It's there. I can't do a thing about it.

I think that is what is really irking me. I can fall apart again and again and it will still be there. I'm missing the fact that John is still here. Despite the heartache that I am facing. The life that might not be someday is here in the flesh right now. He woke me to a good morning kiss, he spent the day working hard to provide us a life, he greeted me at the door this afternoon with a hug, he helped our children with homework, he played in the snow throwing snowballs and sledding with them, he sat at a dinner table with them, helped them make up their plates, he helped me clean up dinner, he shoveled our drive way, he sat beside me looking at pictures of A and L's vacation, he put his arm around me, he thanked me for making his lunch, he cuddled with our kids at bedtime, he is sleeping peacefully at the end of this blessed day. God gave me a husband to love and to respect for an unknown amount of time. I stood in front of family and friends and promised to love him from that day forward no matter what. I didn't say I would promise to worry the heck out of myself. To become an insomniac thinking about all that could change if this or that happened. How can I waste the time we have each new day full of fear and worry. How can I be upset with this man for smoking again when each day is a gift. No matter the choices that each of us make. I can choose to nag, to be angry, to wallow in pity, to let bitterness take root, or I can choose to let go of my grip and accept that God is in control and

I am not.

I am writing the feelings that have taken hold in my mind lately. I need to write them down and get them out. They might sound sporadic but it's the ramblings of my mixed up thoughts.

That's all.

If you know me personally you know how much I desire to love others. I love much and I hurt much. Sometimes a hug with the knowledge of true love behind it is all that is really needed. When did I forget that God has always had his arm around me, holding me up at times, ever present, always faithful? When did I start questioning the sovereignty of the creator of our Universe? I honestly probably will never have this all figured out.

Really, in the end, it doesn't matter.

Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then will I be blameless, innocent of great transgression.
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:13-14